Funny Pages Archive #3
01/28/03 Scoty
. . . About Sex
Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most
beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when
they want sex? Me neither."
Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If
you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield: "My wife said she'd like to have
sex in the back seat of the car . . . and she wanted me to drive."
George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no
intention of getting married."
George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices
which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new
flagpole on a condemned building."
01/23/03 David Kallweit (S/\C#6)
YOU
KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2003 WHEN:
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because
they do not have an e-mail address.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your
newborn so she can create a screen saver.
4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to
see if anyone is home.
5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the
bottom of the screen.
6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and
now sells for half the price you paid.
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't
have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go get it.
8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it
notes.
13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling,
as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.
17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-
mail on your way back to bed.
18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ![[Smile]](cid:image001.gif@01C2C24B.EB324070){kind=small}
19. You're reading this.
20 Even worse; you caught yourself doing most of these so you're
going to send it to everyone you know!
01/06/03 Tha Pres
AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding
and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together.
Just yesterday you take away my license
and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open
and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says,
"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent
exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the
bus again!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite
bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren,
the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on
the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"
said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or
off?"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reports for her university final examination that
consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes and then,
in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse,
removes a coin and starts tossing the coin,
marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the
class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking
my answers."
FINALLY . . .
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles
so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy,
took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown
bag
behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M."
Signed, The Blonde.
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket
and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000
in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had
instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note . . .
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would
do this to another!"
12/08/02 David Kallweit (S/\C#6)
THROW AWAY THE SCAN TOOLS. Forget about costly scan tools
and access to information, when you can use Diagnostic
Dice. Go to: www.creativedice.com for details. However, you
are on your own for flat rate, as there is no indication of such at the sight.
12/08/02 Creuzer (S/\C#29)
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1873373547
12/08/02 Mr Ed (S/\C#62)
Two Dead Blondes"
> > > > -------------------
> > > >
> > > > Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates
strike up a conversation,
> > "How'd
> > > > you die?" the first blonde asked
the second.
> > > >
> > > > "I froze to death," says the
second.
> > > >
> > > > "That's awful" says the first
blonde. "How does it feel to freeze
to
> > > > death?"
> > > >
> > > > "It's very uncomfortable at
first," says the second blonde. "You
get
> > the
> > > > shakes, and you get pains in all your
fingers and toes. But
> eventually,
> > > > it's a very calm way to go. You get
numb and you kind of drift off,
> as
> > > > if you're sleeping.".
> > > >
> > > > How about you, how did you die?"
asked the second blonde. "I had a
> > heart
> > > > attack," says the first blonde.
"You see I knew my husband was
> cheating
> > > > on me, so one day I showed up at home
unexpectedly. I ran up to the
> > > > bedroom, and found him alone watching
TV. I ran to the basement,
but
> no
> > > > one was hiding there either. I ran to
the second floor, but no one
> was
> > > > hiding there either. I ran as fast as I
could to the attic, and
just
> as
> > > > I got there, I had a massive heart
attack and died."
> > > >
> > > > The second blonde shakes her head.
"What a pity, if you had only
> looked
> > > > in the freezer, we'd both still be
alive."
09/14/02 Tha Pres
The SACnews has recently been exploring alternate fashion statements that make use of the SACtartan. Below are a few of our first attempts at breaking into the swimwear market...
(Click for large)
09/03/02 Steff Haas SAC#14
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| B e e r T r u c k | ||'""|""\__,
| _____________ l ||__|__|___|)~~|
(@! )'! (@)"""""**|(@)(@)****|(@)
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they
want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you
don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to
work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are
wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax
at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch
break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no
longer be seen as gross."
Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| B e e r T r u c k | ||'""|""\__
| _____________ l ||__|__|___|)""|
(@! )'! (@)"""""**|(@)(@)****|(@)
09/03/02 Terry Dalton #SACSTY
Maritimer humour...
06/14/02 Pete McMurtrie SAC#27
Most of us convince ourselves that life will be better
after we get married, have a baby,
get a new job, and get a new house.
Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough
and we'll be more content when they are.
The truth is, there's no better time
to be happy than right now! If not now, when?
(How about when the Leafs win the cup and we go downtown
to celebrate in Rick's previously abused Ferrari?)
Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself
and decide to be happy anyway.
Treasure every moment that you have
and treasure it more because
you shared it with someone special,
special enough to spend your time with...
And remember that time waits for no one!
So stop waiting
...until your car or home is paid off
...until you get a new car or a new job
...until you go back to school
...until you lose ten pounds
...until you finish school
...until you get married
...until you get a divorce
...until you have kids
...until your kids leave the house
...until you retire
...until summer
...until fall
...until winter
...until spring
...until you die!
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.
It means you've decided to see
beyond the imperfections.
There is no better time than right now to be happy...
Choose to be happy TODAY!
Look the world right in the eyes and SMILE!
There is no curse attached to this e-mail, so if you choose not
to
forward it to everyone you've ever met, no harm will befall you.
In fact you don't have to forward it at all, because I've deleted
the advertisement originally attached.
Many of these clever and inspirational messages are created
merely
as a marketing vehicle. The boys in the boardroom have absolutely
no
interest in
the message itself, beyond that it will hopefully encourages us
to forward
their
commercial to as many fellow consumers as possible.
And that's okay, as long as we're not confused as to whether we
are being
used and enthused or amused and abused.
Air Miles!
(A secret society that is bigger than.......Arrg! choke,
gag.....I've said
too much....
03/21/02 SACsty
Engineers View
03/20/02 Reid SAC#50
>Think of the address to the Haggis....
> >
> >Ode tae the Fart
> >================
> >Oh what a sleekit, horrible beastie
> >Lurks in yer stomach efter a feastie.
> >Just as ye sit doon among yer kin,
> >There sterts tae stir an enormous wind.
> >The neeps an' tatties an' mushy peas
> >Stert workin like a gentle breeze
> >
> >But soon the puddin' wi' the sonsie face
> >Will huv ye blawin' a' ower the place
> >Nae matter whit the hell ye dew
> >A'body's gonnae huv tae pay.
> >Even if ye try tae stifle,
> >It's like a bullet oot a rifle.
> >
> >Haud yer bum tight tae the chair
> >Tae try an' stop the leakin' air.
> >Shift yersel' fae cheek to cheek
> >An' pray tae God it disnae reek.
> >
> >But a' yer efforts go assunder
> >Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder.
> >It ricochets aroon' the room
> >Michty me! A sonic boom!
> >God almighty, it fairly reeks
> >(Ah hope ah huvnae sheet ma breeks!)
> >
> >Straight tae the bog ah better scurry
> >Aw whit the hell, it's no' ma worry.
> >A'body roon' aboot me's chokin
> >Wan or two are nearly bokin'.
> >Ah'll feel much better fur a while,
> >Ah cannae help but raise a smile.
> >
> >"Wis him!!" ah shout, wi accusin' glower.
> >Alas, too late. He's just keeled ower.
> >"Ya dirty bugger!" they shout and stare.
> >Ah dinnae feel welcome ony mair.
> >
> >Where e'er ye be, let yer wind gang free
> >(sounds jist the job fur thee an
> >Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty
> >Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty.
> >
> >
Reid # 50
03/12/02 Tha Pres
> > LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES ...
(READ THEM OUT LOUD)
> > > 1) That's not
right....................................Sum Ting Wong
> > > 2) Are you harboring a
fugitive?.................Hu Yu Hai Ding?
> > > 3) See me
ASAP.......................................Kum Hia Nao
> > > 4) Stupid
Man...........................................Dum Gai
> > > 5) Small
Horse..........................................Tai Ni Po Ni
> > > 6) Did you go to the
beach?........................Wai Yu So Tan?
> > > 7) I bumped into a coffee
table....................Ai Bang Mai Ni
> > > 8) I think you need a face
lift.......................Chin Tu Fat
> > > 9) It's very dark in
here...............................Wai So Dim?
> > > 10) I thought you were on a
diet...................Wai Yu Mun Ching?
> > > 11) This is a tow away
zone.........................No Pah King
> > > 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next
week..........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
> > > 13) Staying out of
sight............................Lei Ying Lo
> > > 14) He's cleaning his
automobile...................Wa Shing Ka
> > > 15) Your body odor is
offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu
> > > 16)
Great.........................................Fu Kin Su Pah
02/04/02
Think You Know Everything?
1. Rubberbands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both
eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New
Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament
building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction"
are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver,
or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends
in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
Memorial on
the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a
dance.
16. Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one
syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which
end
in "dous": tremendous, horrendous,
stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra
Senora la Reina de
Los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch
is 10:10
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture
dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were
named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's
"It's A
Wonderful
Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to
speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by
a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is
typed with only the left
hand.
02/04/02
1. If you take an
Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland
called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts"
and you put your two
cents in ... what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread
to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for
their final
exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they
deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the
others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their
team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went
nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
30. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those
little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing
section in a swimming pool?
32. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and the Tampa Bay
Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make
the Tennessee
Titans?
33. If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that
mean that one
enjoys it?
34. There are three religious truths: -- Jews do not recognize
Jesus as the
Messiah.
-- Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian
faith.
-- Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.
01/10/02 Scoty
Here's a stock tip:
INVESTMENT ALERT
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE: PFE) is making the announcement today that
Viagra
will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by
Pepsi Cola
(Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE: PBG) as a power beverage suitable for
use
as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And
Do". Pepsi's proposed
ad campaign suggests, "It will now be possible for a man to
literally
pour himself a stiff one."
01/07/02 Scoty
These are
from the days when game show responses were
(supposedly) spontaneous and not scripted, as
they are now.
Q: If
you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high?
A: Charley
Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or
false . . . a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George
Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes . . .
Q: You've
been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man
or
a woman?
A: Don
Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake
Q:
According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at party and you
think
he's really
attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's
married?
A: Rose
Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your
five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley
Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian,
does it take more than three words to say "I love
you"?
A: Vincent
Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a
twenty.
Q: As you grow
older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while you are
talking?
A: Rose
Marie: You ask me one more growing older
question, Peter
and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q:
Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A:
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley,
you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during
your first year?
A:
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!
Q:
In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A:
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q:
It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is
politics. What is the other?
A:
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a
tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose
Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the
bedroom.
Q: When you pat a
dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will
a goose do?
A:
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q:
If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give
birth to?
A:
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q:
According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into
the habit of
kissing a lot of people?
A:
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q:
Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one
daddy?
A:
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q:
It is the most abused and neglected part of your body. What
is it?
A:
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't
neglected!
Q:
Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150
pounds?
A:
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q:
Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he
trying to do?
A:
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Dennis Weaver,
Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie
"What's The
Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley
Weaver: Dennis Weaver, that's why they asked the question.
Q:
Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A: Paul
Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple
has a baby, who is responsible for the sex?
A: Charley
Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: Jackie Gleason
recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen
them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A:
Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q:
Do female frogs croak?
A:
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water
long enough.
01/04/02 Mr Ed SAC#62
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Back in the olden days, a man was traveling by foot through
Switzerland. Nightfall was approaching, and the man had no where
to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he
could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in
the barn. So the man went into the barn to bed down, and the
farmer went back into the house.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter (you knew this was
> coming, right?)
came downstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man
going into the barn?
"That's some fellow just traveling through," said the
farmer.
"He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he
could sleep in the barn."
The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to
> eat?"
"Um, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.
The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some
food."
She went to the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took
it out to the barn.
An hour later she returned. Her clothes were all disheveled and
buttoned up wrong, and
she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond
hair.
She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to
sleep.
A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her
husband
why their daughter went to bed so early.
"I don't know," said the farmer.
"I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our
daughter took him some food."
"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the
man anything to drink?"
"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.
The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there
for him to drink."
The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out
to the barn.
She didn't return for over an hour, and when she did,
her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into
her blond hair.
She went straight up the stairs and into bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and
continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the
farm and
walked toward the mountain.
A while later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs.
She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty.
She went to her father and said "Where's the man from the
barn?"
Father answered, "He left several minutes ago."
"What?" she cried. "He left without saying
good-bye?
After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such
passionate love to me."
"What?" shouted the father.
The farmer ran into the yard looking for the man,
but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him,
"I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter."
The man looked back down from the mountainside,
cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out,.......
ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO...
12/23/01 Doug Hurd SAC#127
Subject: : Two Priests....
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at
the Pearly
Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our
computer is
down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week,
but you can't go back as priests.
So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the
first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep
track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest,
"I've always wanted to be
a stud"
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest
disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells
St.Peter
to recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter.
"He's somewhere
over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in British
Colombia."
12/22/01 David Kallweit (SAC#?)
Jack decided to go skiing with his
buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Jacks mini van
and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they
got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a
nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door
if they could spend the night.
"I realize its terrible
weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself,
but I'm recently widowed, she explained. I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry", Jack
said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The
lady agreed,
and the two men found their way
to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the
weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of
skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an
unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few
minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met
on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob
and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking
widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North"?
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up
in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her
a visit?"
"Yes", Bob said, a
little embarrassed about being found out. "I have
to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use
my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bobs face turned red and he
said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me
everything!!!"
10/26/01 Tha Pres
10/18/01 David Kallweit (S/\C#?)
10/15/01 David Kallweit (S/\C#?)
HER SIDE OF THE STORY
:
He was in an odd mood
when I got to the bar, I thought it might
have been my
fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say
anything much about
it.
I don't remember
doing anything to make him upset, but I could
tell there was
something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going
so I thought we
should go off somewhere more intimate so we could
talk more privately.
We went to this
restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.
I was getting really
worried, what did I do? What was bothering him?
Was he mad at me? I
tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what
was bothering him.
Was it me or
something else? I asked him if he was upset with
me, and he said no.
But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on
the
way back to his
house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm
around me!
I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know,
he
doesn't say it back
or anything. We finally got back to his place and I
was
wondering if he was
going to break up with me! Why didn't he
want to talk about
this?
So I tried to ask him
about it, but he just switched on the TV.
Why would he rather
watch TV than talk to me? Reluctantly, I said I
was going to go to
sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was
upset and wanted to
talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching
TV
while I was in here
going through emotional turmoil. Then after about 10
minutes, he joined me
and we had sex. I thought that maybe he
would open up after
we shared an intimate time like that, but he still
seemed really
distracted. So afterwards I just wanted to leave because
I was so upset, but I
just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice
how upset I was! I
don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore.
I
don't know what to
feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so
confused. I don't
think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play
mind
games with me? I
mean, do you! think he's met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
:
Leafs lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.
10/13/01 Candace Calder (S/\C#122)
> These are from a book called "Disorder in the
Court."
> These are things people actually said in court, word for
word,
> taken down and now published by court reporters - who had
the torment
of
> staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking
place.
>
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: What is your date of birth?
> > > A: July fifteenth.
> > > Q: What year?
> > > A: Every year.
> > >
> > >
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
> impact?
> > > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > >
> > >
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
> memory at all?
> > > A: Yes.
> > > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > > A: I forget.
> > > Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of
> something that you've
> > > forgotten?
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
> > > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
> which.
> > > Q: How long has he lived with you?
> > > A: Forty-five years.
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to
> you when he woke that
> > > morning?
> > > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > > Q: And why did that upset you?
> > > A: My name is Susan.
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: And where was the location of the accident?
> > > A: Approximately milepost 499.
> > > Q: And where is milepost 499?
> > > A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
> > > A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
> > > A: After the accident?
> > > Q: Before the accident.
> > > A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went
to
> school for it.
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved in voodoo or the
> > > occult?
> > > A: We both do.
> > > Q: Voodoo?
> > > A: We do.
> > > Q: You do?
> > > A: Yes, voodoo.
> > >
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were
> your red and blue
> > > lights flashing?
> > > A: Yes.
> > > Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out
> of her car?
> > > A: Yes, sir.
> > > Q: What did she say?
> > > A: What disco am I at?
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
> dies in his sleep, he
> > > doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old
> is he?
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August 8th?
> > > A: Yes.
> > > Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: She had three children, right?
> > > A: Yes.
> > > Q: How many were boys?
> > > A: None.
> > > Q: Were there any girls?
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
> > > A: Yes.
> > > Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > > A: By death.
> > > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: Can you describe the individual?
> > > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > > Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
> to a deposition notice
> > > which I sent to your attorney?
> > > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed
> on dead people?
> > > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What
> school did you go to?
> > > A: Oral.
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> > > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> > > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
> was performing an
> >autopsy
> > >
> > > on him.
> > >
> > >
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >
> > >
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> > >
> > > LAST ONE.........
> > >
> > >
> > > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
> you check for a pulse?
> > > A: No.
> > > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > > A: No.
> > > Q: Did you check for breathing?
> > > A: No.
> > > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
> alive when you began the
> > > autopsy?
> > > A: No.
> > > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
> jar.
> > > Q: But could the patient have still been alive
> nevertheless?
> > > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
> alive and practicing law
> > > somewhere.