Funny Pages Archive #2
10/02/01 David Kallweit (S/\C#?)
Afghan TV Guide
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest
Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Mr Beanladen"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless
Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest
Things"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
09/25/01 Mr Ed (SAC#62)
09/23/01 SACsty
8000 km of newly created Lake front Property for sale...
09/23/01 Tha Pres
Why Stick people Are Extinct...
09/22/01 Mr Ed (SAC#62)
09/21/01 Mike Evans (SAC#16)
09/04/01 Jimmy Johnston (SAC#54)
Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump
one day when he
spotted another man outfitted to jump wearing dark glasses,
carrying a white
cane and holding a seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked that the
blind man was
also going to jump, Bob struck up a conversation, expressing his
admiration
for the man's courage. Then, curious, he asked, "How do you
know when the
ground is getting close?"
"Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes
slack."
09/04/01 Jeff Wentzel (SAC#9)
09/04/01 Robert Brown (SAC#101)
There were two old
men sitting on a park bench passing the day away
talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your
wife?"
Second old man replied, "I think she may be Dead!"
First old man, "What do you mean you think she is
DEAD??"
Second old man, "Well.... the sex is the same but the dishes
are
starting to pile up."
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We
will no longer accept
a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come
to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you
are an employee here, you need all your organs. You
should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a
breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing
work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In
rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary,
the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
hour early, provided your share of the work is
enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse.
However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it
is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent
in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the
practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go
from 8:00 to 8:10, employees who names being with
'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to
wait until the next day when your time comes again.
In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time
with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in
writing must approve this exchange. In addition,
there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and
the stall door open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been
prepared to help our employees better understand
their paychecks: ITEM AMOUNT: Gross Pay $1,222.02,
Income Tax $244.40, Outgo Tax $45.21, State Tax
$11.61, Interstate Tax $61.10, County Tax $6.11,
City Tax $12.22, Rural Tax $4.44, Back Tax $1.11,
Front Tax $1.16, Side Tax $1.61, Up Tax $2.22, Down
Tax $1.11, Tic-Tacs $1.98, Thumbtacks $3.93, Carpet
Tacks $0.98, Stadium Tax $0.69, Flat Tax $8.32,
Surtax $3.46, Corporate Tax $2.60, Parking Fee
$5.00, F.I.C.A. $81.88, T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95, Life
Insurance $5.85, Health Insurance $16.23, Dental
Insurance $4.50, Mental Insurance $4.33, Reassurance
$0.11, Disability $2.50, Ability $0.25, Liability
$3.41, Unreliability $10.99, Coffee $6.85, Coffee
Cups $66.51, Floor Rental $16.85, Chair Rental
$0.32, Desk Rental $4.32, Union Dues $5.85, Union
Don'ts $3.77, Cash Advance $0.69, Cash Retreats
$121.35, Overtime $1.26, Under-Time $54.83, Eastern
Time $9.00, Central Time $8.00, Mountain Time $7.00,
Pacific Time $6.00, Time Out $12.21, Oxygen $10.02,
Water $16.54, Heat $51.42, Cool Air $26.83, Hot Air
$20.00, Miscellaneous $113.29, Sundry $12.09,
Various $8.01 NET TAKE HOME PAY: $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are
here to provide a positive employment experience.
All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations or input should be
directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week
08/16/01 Scoty (SAC#1)
Blond Jokes
ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in
the morning, the blonde wife, picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said, "How should I know,
that's
200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said,
"Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't
know, some woman
wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.' "
TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street: One notices a
compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it; looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm,
this
person looks familiar." The second blonde says,
"Here,
let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the
compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You
dummy,
it's me!"
THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as
she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the
gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells,
"No,
honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut
up,
you're next!"
FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know
all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the
capital
of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
easy:
W!"
FIVE
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told
her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the
wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh
lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My
God!" the
trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion
that
was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes,
officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. "
Well,
how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked
as
he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the
strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was
driving along
this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in
front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was
another tree! I swerved to the left and there was
ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was
another tree! I swerved to the left and there was
..."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off
...
"there isn't a tree on his road for 30 miles. That
was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find
her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the
police at once and reported the crime. The police
dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a
K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog
on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered
at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call
the police for help, and what do they do? They send
me a BLIND policeman!"
08/09/01 Bob Brown (SAC #101)
He Said-She Said.
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
9) She said...What do you mean by
coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted
to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me
everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said... "Shall we
try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
4) Priest... 'I don't think you
will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.
AND THE NO.1, HE SAID-SHE SAID...
1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an
orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
07/23/01 Sue Payne (SACretary #2A2)
AT THE BEEP...
Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and
Verified By The
World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine
Messages:
10. My wife and
I can't come to the phone right now, but if
you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you
as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello,
you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows
or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to
charity at the office and don't need their picture taken.
If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone
number and they will get back to you.
8. This is
not an answering machine -this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about
your name, your number, and your reason for calling....
and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hi!
John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi.
This is John: If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If
you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female,
don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is
for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is
why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello!
If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you
leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now
YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm
probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's
you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine
Message Recorded and
Verified by The World Famous International Institute of
Answering
Machine Messages....
1. Hello,
you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
phone right now, because we're doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing
it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and
when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you
back.
06/23/01 Scoty
06/23/01 David Kallweit (SAC#6)
*The Truth about
Tools*
HAMMER: Originally
employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of
divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are
trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing
seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you
die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting
holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round
off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a
family of cutting tools built on the original sin
principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to
round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your
garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside a brake drum
you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are
now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or
1/2" socket
you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall
upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out
of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your coffee
across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were
drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans
rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
say,
"Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after
you have installed
your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
handle firmly under
the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG
DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward
off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for
removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for
calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
06/22/01 Ed Schuermer (SAC#117)
I
AM CANADIAN
(clears Thoat)
(the
canadian one is actually a commercial and is all true!)
Hey...
I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.
I have a Prime
Minister, not a President.
I speak English & French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.
I can proudly sew my
country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.
A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!
MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!
Ciao...
I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.
I don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night.
And I don't drive a Camaro.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,
Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.
I drink wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.
I can proudly fly my
country's flag out of my car during the worldcup.
Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies,
Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors,
And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!
Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,
The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!
My name is Guiseppe !!!
AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM CHINESE!
Wai...
I'm not a cook, or a computer tech, or the owner of a laundromat.
I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog. I don't drive a
souped-up Civic.
And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Beddingt Heights
Although I'm certain they're very rice... I mean nice people.
I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the sidewalk.
I believe in giving cash, not gifts
And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.
I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during a massacre,
Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE
white folk
Jet Li can kick Van Damme's ass anyday.
And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fa
China is the LARGEST country in Asia
The FIRST nation of PING-PONG,
And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!
My name is FUNG!!!
AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive
very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.
I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless
I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!
The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!
06/22/01 David Kallweit (SAC#?)
