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05/25/01 Pres.
Sex Therapy
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a
date or
any sex in quite sometime.She was afraid she might have something
wrong with
her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a
sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr.Chang,a well known
Chinese
sextherapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the
examination
room,Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery
reery fass
to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was
instructed. Dr.
Chang then , said "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to
me." So she did.
Dr.
Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy
bad, you haf Ed
Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf
sex or
dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed
Zachary
Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied...
"Ed Zachary
disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.
04/28/01 Bob Brown(SAC#101)
04/09/01 Mr Ed (SAC#62)
04/09/01 Bob Brown SAC#101
A guy out on the golf course takes a high
speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he
could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said
"How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to
put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it
straight. It should be okay next week." So he took
four tongue depressors and formed a neat little
4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of
art. The guy mentions none of
this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room she rips
open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This
was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the
first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He immediately drops his pants and replies,
"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
03/30/01 Tha Pres
ACTUAL SIGNS POSTED BY BUSINESSES
Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except
the
dog.
On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
car
payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman,and the 2nd one
just
left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your
bill.
However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get
fed up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can
eat
any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.
03/25/01 Tha Pres
Left Brain, Right Brain
Fun series of multiple choice questions that will
produce a map of your left/right and audio/visual perception
preferences.
Click the link and save this executable file and then run it from it's saved location...
Just For Men...
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have
a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I
decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She
was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up
with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to
find a girl
with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that
she divorced
me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.
One for Raul and Mark...
So
this Scottish stud, Angus MacSac, is on vacation in
Greece and visits the island of Crete. While there he indulges in
his favourite past time; picking up chicks.
One night in a local bar, he manages to attract one rather nordic
looking blonde woman.
So they're
back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. Proud of
his rugged background, he forces himself to last as long as
possible. He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over,
lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So .... you
finish?" After a slight pause she replies,
"No." Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts
out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with
her again, this time lasting even longer than the last...
and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.
Again he
rolls over, lits a cigarette, and asks, "So .... you
finish?" And again, after a short pause, she
simply says "No." Stunned, but still
acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the
cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time,
with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to
end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is
spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his
cigarette ... lights it again, and then asks, "So
... you finish?" To which her
pleasured reply is, "No. I'm Swedish."
03/22/01 Tha Pres
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish
farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his
family, he heard a cry for help coming from a
nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a
terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free
himself.
Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been
a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy
carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse
surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped
out and introduced himself as the father of the boy
Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You
saved
my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the
Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that
moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of
the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the
farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal. Let me
provide him with the level of education my son
will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father,
he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud
of." And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended
the very best schools and in time, he graduated from
St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London,
and went on to become known throughout the world as
the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of
Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved
from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved
his life this time? Penicillin. The name of
the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.
His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've
never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Sing
like nobody's listening. Live like it's Heaven on
Earth.
03/19/01 Tha Pres
So there's three guys in a bar, an Irishman, an
Englishman and a Scot.
As they're sittin' there drinkin' their pints of ale a fly
suddenly falls in each of their drinks.
Plink, plunk, plop.
Well, the Englishman carefully picks the fly out of his beer,
dries him off then lets him go,
"there ya go, fly away."
The Irishman grabs the fly out of his pint, smashes him between
both hands and curses,
"Take that ye teevin' bastard!"
The Scot picks the fly out of his ale and grabbing him by both
wings shakes him violently over his beer and yells,
" Spit at oot, spit at oot!"
03/10/01 Tha Pres
BIRD IN A KILTED CAGE
The 'merican tourist stood staring at the highland sentry
standing guard
outside Edinburgh Castle.
After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've
always wanted
to find out what's worn under the kilt'.
The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in
perfect
working order'.
03/05/01 Tha Pres
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of
sports cars.
- I enjoy driving a four wheeled 150cc motorcycle.
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - I am impotent.
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.
Chevrolet Blazer - I like to play in the dirt, but I don't want
to get
dirty.
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people.
Chevrolet Cavalier Z24 - I wear my hat backwards and pretend it's
a Camaro.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell
whem I
have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the
government.
Chevrolet Monte Carlo - I have no front teeth.
Chevrolet Sprint - I think I can, I think I can.
Chevrolet Suburban - All the famous rappers have one so I gots to
get one
too.
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Avenger - I am a rich daddy's girl who thinks my car can
outrun a
Firebird.
Dodge Charger - I own a moonshine still in Hazard KY.
Dodge Dakota - I am to macho to drive a compact truck, but I am
still too
much of a wuss to drive a full size truck.
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted
for
Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Dodge Durango - I wish I could have ordered a four door Dakota
with a
topper.
Dodge Omni - I wish I had a Chevette.
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart.)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
- I'm getting tired of seeing Firebird and Camaro taillights.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and
change lanes
when I pull up behind them.
Ford F-150 - I like a truck that will fall apart when I try to
load it to
its rated payload.
Ford Granada - [See Ford Fairmont.]
Ford Ranger - If I go over 50, I am looking for trouble.
Ford Taurus - I hate driving.
Ford Probe - I like to think it's a Mustang.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better
than no
convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits
pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his
reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the
shop 280
days per year.
Jeep Wrangler - I am a frat boy, and I am living off dad's money.
- I only have one friend. No need for a backseat.
Jeep Grand Cherokee - I was a frat boy, and now I make too much
money.
- I need a vehicle that can tackle the speed bumps at
the mall.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Kia Sportage - I can't afford a REAL 4x4.
Lincoln Navigator - I have never walked through mud in my life.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above.)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an
autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named
Cole.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an
eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic.
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.
Mitsubishi Mirage - I wish I had an Escort.
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Horizon - I wish I had a Chevette.
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would
be
inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanan is a tad bit too
liberal.
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic.)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more.
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet.
Toyota Pickup - I can't decide between a car and a truck.
Toyata RAV4 - I'm a COMPLETE poseur.
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet.
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now.
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife.
Yugo - I remember when the only thing that exploded in
Yugoslaviawas its
cars.
03/05/01 Mr Ed (S/\C#62)
>****DEFINITION OF COMPUTER
ILLITERACY****
> >This has got to be one of the
funniest I've heard of
> >in a long time. I
> >think this guy should have been
promoted, not fired.
> >This is a true
> >story
> >from the Word Perfect Help line
which was transcribed
> >from
> >a recording monitoring the
customer care department.
> >Needless to say
> >the
> >Help Desk employee was fired,
however, he/she is
> >currently suing the
> >Word
> >Perfect organization for
"Termination without Cause."
> > Actual dialogue of a former
WordPerfect Customer
> >Support employee
> >(now I
> >know why they record these
conversations!)
> > "Ridge Hall computer
assistance, may I help you?"
> > "Yes, well, I'm having
trouble with WordPerfect."
> > "What sort of
trouble?"
> > "Well, I was just typing
along, and all of a sudden
> >the words went
> >away."
> > "Went away?"
> > "They disappeared."
> > "Hmm. So what does your
screen look like now?"
> > "Nothing."
> > "Nothing?"
> > "It's blank; it won't
accept anything when I type."
> > "Are you still in
WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
> > "How do I tell?"
> > "Can you see the C:prompt
on the screen?"
> > "What's a
sea-prompt?"
> > "Never mind, can you move
your cursor around the
> >screen?"
> > "There isn't any cursor.
I told you, it won't accept
> >anything I
> >type."
> > "Does your monitor have a
power indicator?"
> > "What's a monitor?"
> > "It's the thing with the
screen on it that looks
> >like a T.V. Does it
> >have
> >a little light that tells you
when it is on?"
> > "I don't know."
> > "Well, then look on the
back of the monitor and find
> >where the power
> >cord
> >goes into it. Can you see
that?"
> > "Yes, I think so."
> > "Great. Follow the cord
to the plug, and tell me if
> >it's plugged into
> >the
> >wall."
> > "Yes, it is."
> > "When you were behind the
monitor, did you notice
> >that there were two
> >Cables plugged into the back of
it, not just one?"
> > "No."
> > "Well, there are. I need
you to look back there
> >again and find the
> >other
> >cable."
> > "Okay, here it is."
> > "Follow it for me, and
tell me if it's plugged
> >securely into the back
> >of
> >your computer."
> > "I can't reach."
> > "Uh huh. Well, can you
see if it is?"
> > "No."
> > "Even if you maybe put
your knee on something and
> >lean way over?"
> > "Oh, it's not because I
don't have the right angle -
> >it's because
> >it's
> >dark."
> > "Dark?"
> > "Yes, the office light is
off, and the only light I
> >have is coming in
> >from the window."
> > "Well, turn on the office
light then."
> > "I can't."
> > "No? Why not?"
> > "Because there's a power
failure."
> > "A power...A power
failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
> >licked now. Do
> >you
> >still have the boxes and
manuals and packing stuff
> >your computer came
> >in?"
> > "Well, yes. I keep them
in the closet."
> > "Good. Go get them, and
unplug your system and pack
> >it up just like
> >it
> >was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store
> >you bought it
> >from."
> > "Really? Is it that
bad?"
> > "Yes, I'm afraid it
is."
> > "Well, all right then, I
suppose. What do I tell
> >them?"
> > "Tell them you're too
fucking stupid to own a
> >computer."
02/27/01 Shelley McDonough (SAC#86)
Canadian Revenge
A Canadian
is having his coffee, croissants, and bread, butter and jam when
an American who is chewing gum sits down next to him. The Canadian
ignores him who nevertheless, starts a conversation.....
American: "You Canadian Folk eat the whole bread?"
Canadian(in a bad mood): "Of course"
American(after blowing a bubble): "We don't. In the States
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
Canada The
American has a smirk on his face.....
The Canadian listens in silence......
The American persists: "Do you eat the jelly with the
bread?"
Canadian: "Of Course"
American: "we don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for
breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds. and leftovers in
containers, recycle them transform them into jam and sell it to
Canada."
After
listening to the American rant and rave and chew the gun with
gusto the Canadian ask the American "Do you have sex in
America?"
The American
after blowing another bubble says with a smirk on his face
"Of course we do that"
Canadian: "What do you do with the condoms when you are done
with them?"
American: "We through them away of course."
"We don't" the Canadian says "In Canada we collect
them and put then in a container recycle them, melt them down
into chewing gum and sell it to America."
02/18/01 Scot