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Terry D Gets His Kicks in a Sprint Car (SACsty) (10/30/00)
Terry D Enjoys Lapping Day at Mosport (SAC#60) (10/16/00)
BMW gets stomped in Milwaulkee (SAC#29) (10/16/00)
BMW Ramblings (SAC#29) (10/10/00)
Sprintcar Report from #Sacsty (10/2/00)
Rick's Jag Test Drive Poll (9/15/2000)
Jeff's Pony Dies (9/5/2000)
"Live" Updates from the 2000 Canadian GP in Montreal!
BMW Ramblings
Australian GP
Fat Boy Tracy!



"Toothless" Mike Evans (SAC#16) Hospital Update (11/02/00)
- Tha Pres.

As of tonite Mike has been released from ICU and is in a regular ward room at the Ajax/Pickering Hospital. According to his Mom he is back to his "old cantankerous self" and wants to get out asap. I have no other info at this time.


"Toothless" Mike Evans (SAC#16) Hospitalized (10/31/00)
Tha Pres

On Friday I talked with ("Toothless") Mike Evans over the phone at his home. It was just a simple "hey how's it goin' " type of call. He said "not that good". Mike described his symptoms to me. After trying unsuccessfuly to convince him to check into emergency immediately he finally promised to go Saturday if the symptoms persisted. I consequently couldn't get a hold of anyone at the Evans' residence until Monday whereupon I found out apparently Mike went into Intensive Care late Saturday evening, after much arm twisting, at a local Ajax hospital. What they found, after a "scope" session in O.R., was a burst artery in his stomache. Basically one can bleed to death if you don't deal with this immediately. Mike had left it pretty late (for three days). Any how as of today he is still in ICU on plasma, IV, morphine, no liquids or solids yet. He is lucid and sleeps a lot, is reading race mags, and newspaper. No one can visit except family. He has not stabalized totally so will have to stay in ICU for now. I will keep the SAC updated.

Mike hang in there, we are praying constantly.
PS - Ice racing season is fast approaching so get better soon!


Terry D Gets His Kicks in a Sprint Car (SACsty) (10/30/00)

What a RUSH!

Admittedly, I could not experience all it (the Sprint Car) had to offer.

But I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was the real deal.

Seeing that most of the people who are a part of SAC, would not appreciate,as did I, the opportunity to experience a ride in a winged sprint car.

The opportunity began during a conversation at work, when I was holding court about the Mosport event, where I spent the previous Sunday doing laps in my trusty Golf.  Sunday the 15th of Oct.
One of my co-workers was listening to the story, when he chimes in that this friend of his has a sprint car. He has a lot of property and he recently carved out of a section of  it for a 3/8 mile dirt oval, south of Hamilton.

Well, I have been absolutely in love with these beasts for over 20 years and have always told, who ever cared to listen, that I would love to race them. They are so unruly and spectacular, who wouldn't like them. Typical of most SACster's, the lack of coin has made this only a pipe dream. My twin engined karts were the most reasonable facsimile.
So my co-worker makes a couple of phone calls and last Friday he firmed up the date as Sunday October 22nd.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep much leading up to the day.
The day arrives and I'm up at 6am. Ready to meet my ride at 10am in Oakville.
Coincidently enough, my wife had won the free use of a PT Cruiser for the weekend. So off I go for my moment of truth.
For those unfamiliar with dirt track racing in general and sprint cars in particular, here is a little info:

Sprint Cars are generally powered by small block V-8. Traditionally the most popular
for this is the design based on the 350 ci GM. Aluminum cylinder heads, open headers, fuel injected, methanol fuelled, with rather high compression ratios, in the order of 14to1. Aluminum connecting rods, magneto ignition, lightened cranks and no flywheels. In this instance, the car is limited to 360 ci of displacement. The cars themselves are very light. Loaded and ready for action 1325lbs. is the min weight. Right rear tires are 19" wide. The cars need to be push started as there is no clutch in them. They are either in gear or out. So the time for truth.

I must admit to a little trepidation, as a course inspection reveals a track which is slightly less than ideal. It was very rough, so I was not fully able to travel as I had envisioned. With foot to the matt and leaning hard on the cushion. After getting buckled in place, put the steering wheel on and a few instructions on the ignition process, it's time to get pushed off. Rock the car back and forth as the "T" handle is pulled up and turned to engage the rear end. That done, the truck eases into the back bumper and away we go....

Wait for the oil pressure to come up. Turn on the fuel, hit the ignition.

As I had to take my foot off the throttle to turn on the fuel, it didn't blast off, as some had done before me. Also, I new the motor was cold so I took it easy as I bumped around the track.

The first push off was amazing to me. I finally fulfilled something I had waited so long for. The noise of the motor, the whine of the spur gears, the smell of the methanol made for an incredible moment.

As I alluded to earlier, the track was very rough. I managed to figure out a few relatively smooth areas and with the motor warmed up, I started layin into the throttle.


The reaction of the motor was instantaneous, brute force acceleration. That thing was bucking and lurching all over the place as the tires got grip. What a total insane rush, with the stagger that was on the car it was wanting, no make that it did always lurch left. So I was having to keep the wheel cranked right to keep it in a straight line.

Lap after lap, I was getting more comfortable with the car and it was a total addiction. Having that much horsepower at your disposal is unreal. Slam your foot down and hang on! Oh what a rush, I was almost moved to tears over it. It was that amazing.

The owner has promised another run in the thing as we ran it out of fuel. You don't keep methanol sitting around for very long, so he is going to get some more and he will hopefully have the track a little smoother before the snow flies. I can't wait. It'll only get better I know.

I would sincerely like to thank those involved, Harv Kirsch my coworker whom took the time out and helped me realize a dream, even though he had a ton of work on the go.

BTW: Harv has this really cool 1942 American LeFrance Fire truck which he restored about 3 years ago. He stores it at the farm in a barn and brings out for parades and the like. And just drives it around from time to time. It's really cool and totally original. He's thinking of selling it and buying sprinter..... He used to be one of those sick motocross racers in his youth......so he just might do it.

Also Bruce Waddel Jr. owner of the car. He didn't even know who I was until Sunday and he gave a chance in his car. That was very nice. Thanks!


PS I managed to get some good video. We'll have to figure out how to get it to mpeg???

Terry D Enjoys Lapping Day at Mosport (SAC#60) (10/16/00)


What a life altering experience!

I'm able to tell the tale, a day of basically no holds-barred, race track
on Sunday, October 15, at Mosport.

Pickering Volkswagen hosted an open lapping day for their customers and
paid guests.

What a thrill! Everything from new vette's, NSX, Quattro's, Porsches, and
the new bug turbo,
FV's, f-1200, anything and everything!
And my homely little 88 Golf, which was basically like riding around an old
I managed a 2.06, hand held stop watch. Max speed was 145kmh at the end of
the straight,
and it was redline all the way.....

I was pleased to get a few compliments from other's, who were impressed by
the way I was
getting around the joint in that pc. of shait!
One chap who was watching from the last corner,
came to me and said: "Great stuff! Ya wrung everything outta that car. Ya
had a foot of daylight
under the right rear."  Excessive body roll was very evident I must say! I
was havin' a ball!

Our first laps were run under the guidance of the organizer for 3 laps, then
they turned us loose.....
Corner 2, for the first time was unbelievable. And it continued to be
unbelivable all day.
Was definitely getting braver as the day wore on, getting the ass end to
skitter and running flat
to just over the peak, hammer the brakes, tires squealing, back on the
throttle, down the hill,
let it drift, Oh man, just thinking about is making me all excited and
wanting to do it again.

The brakes were giving up the ghost after about 6-7 laps. Had a couple of
anxious moments
down into 5a, carried a little too much speed and about slid off, after
getting no help from the brakes.
After about a 6-7 lap run I came into the pits, and I had a water bottle
with me and decided
to just spray a little on the calipers, instant steam and sizzle
materialized from the heat.

I only let it run off twice, both times into corner one trying it flat out,
just let it run wide into the grass a few feet and kept it straight and then
back onto the track
no spins.

Every lap was better than the one before it, just a full sensory experience
I will always cherish.
Was worth the 100.00 and then some.

Oh by the way, if anywoon looking for a co-driver in rallysport?
Don't call Dan Bucknam, SAC 66?
He ain't interested!  I'll let him tell the story, or you can see, rather
make that hear the in-car video
from Mosport.
I'll just say he went a lap around with me............Ya gotta see it to
appreciate it. I mean hear it!

All was great for the most part. There were only 2 stoppages for on track
One guy buried his corvette in the gravel just past 4.
Stopped about 4 ft from the inside wall.

The other was quite bad, around 3:30, 2 guy's were out in an Integra. Hot
car, 93-94 vintage.
Down at the bottom of 2,  he went a little wide, touched the edge of the
track, overcorrected,
then hooked a hard left and whammo, head on into the inside wall. Judging
from the damage,
to them, as well as the car, impact was easily 60-70 kmh.

Both had helmets on, drivers helmet struck the steering wheel, as it had a
big black smudge
on the front. Driver went out on a back board, passenger got out on his own.

Both went to the hospital, don't know their status.....car was history.
Too bad, it was a lot of fun until then.

Hope to have better car for next years version. I'm sure a lot of stud ice
racers would be a lot
of fun there. Loks vintage volvo, Andy's fiesta, (or whatver the hell it
is.) Stefans, Biral's, Gieger et al.
Their rabbits would be a howl around the joint.........

Anyway, gotta go it was fun, SACsty.

This from Rick C. (SAC#29) (10/16/00)

I got my arse tromped this weekend. Partially because of the competition, really well tuned new cars (a Ford Contour got the win), and partially because of the nut behind the wheel, who kept overdriving his car. I learned a lot though, had a ride with an instructor who ran a 325is in another class. He also rode with me and explained a few things about how to drive a Bimmer. I was pleased that my car was not that far off of his as far as power goes. The trouble I'm having is the car pushes quite a bit so to compensate I'm trail braking to help the turn in but puts me out of balance for putting the power down at the exit of the turn.

I'll be back in Milwaukee for the last Sunday of this month.  I know I'll do
much better then.

This from Rick C. (SAC#29) (10/10/00)

I just wanted to drop a line to ya'll to proudly say that me and my 323i
laid a severe ass stomping to the competition in Sunday's World Wide
Autoparts Memorial Autocross presented by the Fox Valley Sports Car Club.
The event was held at the Winnibago County Fairgrounds in Oshkosh amidst
blustery cold conditions.
My final and fastest run came in as a 1.11.029. The second place finisher in
a '87 'Scare'occo was some 3 sec. behind me. To be fair, the level of
preparation of most of the entrants was not that high and I was one of only
5 competing in STS. However, I did manage to beat a '96 318ti running Kuhmo
Autocross tires by 4 seconds. From memory, I believe I had about the 9th
fastest time overall out of a field of roughly 40 cars.
I'll send out a link to the results when they're up.
But, I fully expect a different scenario (ie. getting humbled) this Sunday
when I go to run the SCCA event at County Stadium in Milwaukee.


Rick in WI
81 323i a.k.a. M3 Wannabe


The Sprint Car Report - by #SACsty

Ewe goot ta go see the sprintcars rooon.

I wooz at the Oshweken speedway, just south of Hamilton ooon Saturday.
Other than a hotshot Yankee doodle cooomin oop and demolishing the field
and they not being able to get their line up together on a restart, it was good show.

One of the cars pulled a wheelie all the way down the straightaway.

They (also) run ... at Brighton Speedway.

The series is the SOS. It was my first time seeing that particular series run.
Needs a bit o work but wasn't too bad.

Going up really north this weekend, to Sudbury for wedding.
The leaves will all be gone I'm sure.

Later, SACsty.

The following is a copy of the email Rick C. sent me re: the responses to his 3 question poll...

***with my (R.C.) comments***...

From Mark Jackson:

1. Where should I take the car for the test drive?

Can't answer that without details of the insurance arrangement.
actually that would have bearing on HOW you drive it, not where.

2. Describe the appearance of the person that must be in the


3. Further suggestions to make the most of this test drive...

Learn how to disconnect the odometer.

From Jimmy RFM:

1. Where should I take the car for the test drive?

_Road America________________________________________

2. Describe the appearance of the person that must be in the
passenger seat.

A short hairy faced driving

*** He doesn't have to be Scottish does he?***

3. Further suggestions to make the most of this test drive...

___Check lap records for Jags at Road

From Alex Bartels

If you have no time limit in which to test the vehicle out, why not wait a couple of weeks for the Wisconsin lakes to freeze over, and give it an all-out Minden Hammer! - Choice of tires, - Studs of course.  Why can't I be as lucky as you. Wait,... I did win a test drive in a  55 H.P. Skoda Rapide way back in 82 or 83. Does that compare to your predicament? Only in Canada...Later

From Tim the Enchanterer:

1. Where should I take the car for the test drive?


2. Describe the appearance of the person that must be in the
passenger seat.


***I saw that movie too***

3. Further suggestions to make the most of this test drive...


....AND IT'S POLL not POLE (stupid americans).....

***Hey, not as stupid as the nice people at Jenkins Imports Inc. in Green
Bay - and by the way, it's unsanctionED lapping***

From Terry (SACsty) Dalton:

1. Where should I take the car for the test drive?

Minden, Ontario in time for the first ice race. You must be
able to
disconnect the speedo

***Oh right, like that's the only thing I nee to worry about!***

2. Describe the appearance of the person that must be in the
passenger seat.

__Scruffy looking bearded guy, owns a landscaping company
and can't
drive an ice racer to save his

***I think I know who you mean***

3. Further suggestions to make the most of this test drive...

With out a doubt this is a no brainer. Trunk full of back
issues of PRN and beer, lot's of it.

From Uncle Jacques:

1. Where should I take the car for the test drive?

__________US Grand Prix_______________________________

2. Describe the appearance of the person that must be in the

_______Fat bald guy with a drinking problem and wearing a

3. Further suggestions to make the most of this test drive...

_______Have old rubber mounted and take it to the US
Nationals drag strip at Indy.__________________________________

I can't believe that Jaguar is doing this. Like, they just have noo
how far I am away from buying a Jag! Are they completely nuts?

They signed Johnny Herbert didn't they! You could be next.

***Good point - it's all so clear to me now.***

From Mr Ed Moody:

Put on your gold jewlry, buy a big panama hat and drive through the
areas of Green Bay with the window down yelling "Yr the man."
For a passenger try a blonde drug crazed transvestite.
I can hardly wait for the next issue of PRN.
Nice knowing ya.
Mr. Ed

From Buzz Hampton:

1. Where should I take the car for the test drive?

        __50 miles there, 50 miles back. what's the penalty for
going over?

2. Describe the appearance of the person that must be in the
passenger seat.

someone that can express fear and is wearing a depends

3. Further suggestions to make the most of this test drive...
inquire about the insurance then double and say hit me
don't wear your helmet until after you pick up the car

From Timmy (again):

1. Where should I take the car for the test drive.


2. Describe the appearance of the person that must be in the
passenger seat.


3. Further suggestions to make the most of this test drive...


From Al & Sue:

1. Where should I take the car for the test drive?

        Lake Michigan

2. Describe the appearance of the person that must be in the
passenger seat.

        Hard to tell wearing all that scuba gear!!


3. Further suggestions to make the most of this test drive...

        Drive north as quickly as possible and get across the
border.  They'll never find you amoungst the "natives in SSM".  GOOD

I can't believe that Jaguar is doing this. Like, they just have noo idea how
far I am away from buying a Jag! Are they completely nuts?

  They must be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luv ya!

Sam 'n Ella
Party People in a Can Racing Catering

P.S.  Need a picnic lunch to take along?

***Yes I'll have the brake crepes with 20w-50 Khalua - hold the mustang***

From SAC#1
1. Where should I take the car for the test drive?
Nearest race track,/test course or vacant parking lot
2. Describe the appearance of the person that must be in the
passenger seat.
duhh!!! ... Bob Tullius of course
3. Further suggestions to make the most of this test drive...
Make sure you have choice of rubber and option to turn OFF all
traction and ABS control!!!

From Ponyboy Jeff James:

1. Where should I take the car for the test drive?

       Only 100 miles?
       I would try to burn as much as possible in the dealer's
parking lot.
       In full view of the office, try some 50mile turns, tight
       around the other parked Jag's, hard brake stands... you know
the drill.
       As you pass the salesman wave, but DON'T stop, even if he's
       in your path.

2. Describe the appearance of the person that must be in the
passenger seat.

       Someone who looks somewhat like Rudy from "Survivor",
       only blind-folded and smiling.

3. Further suggestions to make the most of this test drive...

       Remember: maybe you can't change your car,
       but you can always switch to the other gas tank.

***As usual Jeff, you've left me scratching my head.***

Thanks everybody for your input - see ya'all in jail.
Have a great weekend!

From Julie (Cleveland Rocks) Williams

1: Dairy Queen
2: Buddy Hackett

***Make that Michelle Lee if it's all the same to you***

3: Adjust your seat so that your chest touches the wheel

***Which wheel?! And make that Michelle Lee's chest if it's all the same to

Jeff's Pony Dies ( Jeff is a friend of mine and Rick Creuzburg and Rick forwarded this email from Jeff -ed.)

Jeff's Pony has finally bitten the dust - just listen to the gory details.
Darryll, you're gonna love this.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeffry James [mailto:jeffry@arvotek.net]
Sent: Saturday, September 02, 2000 9:23 PM
To: Creuzburg, Rick
Subject: RE: Are you there?

>I know. The fag won.

Rudy liked him.

>Oil? So did the bottom end fall out of the engine? I'm guessing you had a
>front or rear main seal go.

rad (again) and toxic fumes in cab from a break in the manifold.  Trani is
held up by one carridge bolt on a 2x2' sheet of 1/4" plywood (fresh out of
aluminum).  Carb problem creates acceleration drop-out.  Fuel and brake
lines very corroded.  Probably no pads.  No front alignment, idler arm
loose, with bulge in tire --creates very severe stearing oscillations above
40km.  Resonator now has about 3" of road clearance, due to rotting tin can
(Campbells chiken, I think --Yes, here I used metal).  No, the seals are
still ok; a small leak, but nothing to worry about.

Is it still ok for ice?  I think on ice, locked in a deep freeze somewhere.

>Well do tell - I've long desired to see you in a Kraut can.

So have I, only this Kraut can is plastic and digital.
Needs new front strut/shock mounts, new resonator muffler, some seals are
going (just like Lemonaide said).  That's about it for... YOUR NEW ... 1997
65K, $13,100.

Now instead of using tools, I can just start writting code for the engine
void drive(gasPedalPosition)
    while(pistonMoving) {
        if (pasPedalPosition > 10) {

If that doesn't work I'll just take it to Microsoft.

Actually I think I found a good mechanic for it.


Posted 6/9/2000 ("Live" reports will begin as soon as our intrepid reporter Pete McMurtrie (SAC#27) gets to Montreal)

Stay Tooned!!!

6/18/00 Well, I don't know what happened to Pete, ...I...I never heard from him again.






Posted 5/8/2000 Rick Creuzberg SAC#29...

Hi kids.
Before I bestow the latest news upon you, I would like to forward some of
the more interesting replies I received from my last couple of mailings.

From Uncle Jacques...

Just for the record, none of us have been inquiring about your
@!#%&*@ car!
In fact, I have heard several of your closest friends plotting to
convert it into a buoy anchor in
Bala Bay. The only thing that has stopped us (I mean them) is that
they are afraid it would break
down on the towing yard.

Think of it as a public service. Just imagine the enormous amount of
cyber-space you could free up by not talking about it. And speaking
of space, perhaps Space Station
astronauts could gain unlimited training while wrenching on your
submerged manure wagon.

In fact, I'm going out right now and buying you one of those red and
stickers that says; I'd rather be diving!

From Mr. Ed Moody...

With the increased cost of the 407 you can't afford to drive anyway.
could always live like a hermit at the top of two. Oh I forgot,
already does that.
Mr. Ed

From co-worker Timmy Xubix Froinlaven Ham&cheesesandwich Radar Campagna...

> T.
From coworker Doug (Loser of English) Liddell...

> If your car can be on the back of a tow truck, & the tow truck breaks
> down.
> Don't you ever @!$#%$#!!!! park next to my truck
And now the latest scoop....

After weeks of repeated delays, Thursday before last I went up to the shop
and had a heart to heart with Dave.
He understood my situation and promised to cut me some slack on his labour
charges to make up the trouble. He sat down and finally penciled up a price
for the work I'm having done. What he showed me was a rough figure, but I
must say it was very reasonable. Then he brought me up to date on what had
been done on the car. Now knowing were we stood I explained to him that part
of the frustration was the seemingly endless string of delays in getting
around to my car. I have spoken to several of Dave's customers. They are
always happy with the work but all concur, if you want the best, you have to
wait in line. This is no ordinary repair shop. It's motorhead heaven.
I asked him to finally give me a realistic date for completion of the work.
"Really?", I said.
He thought about it again and said. "Friday".
I couldn't help but smile. I should have said "really" a few more times.
Well, as of Friday the work wasn't done but this is purely owing to a messed
up Purolator parts delivery.

Now the nitty gritty.
A few weeks ago Dave took out my #1 piston. It looked fine to him, and in
his estimation, I didn't have to do all the cylinders. I wasn't at ease with
that notion because anyone who's ever followed my car told me it was a bit
of a smoker. That combined with the fact I'd never done a compression had me
tell Dave to do all the rings anyway. Well, as it turned out, he took the
rest of the rings out Monday and found #2 through #6 all had the top ring
shattered into little bits. He said he's never seen anything like it.

Gee, I feel so special.

Needless to say I was elated to hear this. When the car was last running, I
always wondered why it had an uneven idle, but since it had reasonably good
power, I never suspected the rings. Yet, that confirms what I found the
night I took off the head when I put a feeler gauge around the pistons - it
would ride around then drop down a step.
The pistons are in good condition, despite some pitting and are being
cleaned up at a nearby shop where the connecting rod cups are also being
remachined. The bores are being prepped for the new rings.
The head is being reassembled with:
- the old valves which are ok except for some which had mushroomed ends.
Those have been ground down and will be used in concert with over sized
eccentric adjusters to make up the difference
- used  rockers
- used dual valve springs (stock is single coil)
- and the cam? Up until this morning, we were going to go with a 325i cam
which is shorter duration/higher lift. Hence the dual valve springs. I still
wasn't content with that notion because though it will work fine, being this
far along, I kinda wanted to go a little more radical since emissions won't
likely be an issue. So I called Dave again and asked him to apply himself to
sourcing a hotter cam. Eureka! Despite several failed attempts earlier, a
new 280degree Crane cam was found in Mississauga. The bonus is, the extra
34degrees of duration of this cam will only cost me about $100 more than the
stock 325i cam! Now we're gettin somewhere.
I removed the tint from the 320's front windows and got a temporary plate to
buy me some more time. Hopefully the Peel Regional Nazis will leave me alone
until they experience a real challenge - the soon to appear all new unholy
terror of that which has been newly christened...


Cheers until next time.
>      _____
>     /          \
>   ./ __ _ __\..
>  (oo  00  oo)  <(my current ASCI '81 323i as modified by Dirtbag)
>  ///<        >||||
> Rick Creuzburg
> CAD Designer
> CPFS Station Maintenance (SP3)
> 2251 Speakman Drive
> 905-823-9060 ext.2703


03/27/00 (Tha Pres)

Fat Boy Tracy

Love that patented Fat Boy Tracy screwup when it's in the bag. But good-oh for Max Papis eh?! What a great drive by Franchitti !!! I might just watch the CART crap this year (if they'd only stay off those ovals).

Response 03/27/00 (SACsty)

You're kidding?
How many leadchanges do ya see at a road race? Even Nigel admitted that the purest, most enjoyable race he ever had was at the Louden NH oval a few years ago, must have swapped the lead 20 or 30 times over the course of it! And how much of the track can ya see at a road race?
You sheltered, disillusioned, high brow, milquetoast, road racing mamby pambies are out of it!!!!!!

Posted 03/25/00 (Author Anonymous)


The Australian Grand Prix

Yes he’s back. The man who gave us the 2000 review whilst other people were still making predictions is here once again. He will be giving us his own special insight every race.

Just One Thing

I’ve been asked to carry on writing for this site, me being the fool that I am have agreed. Every race will receive the sought of treatment you can expect after reading the 2000 review (by the way if you haven’t read it yet then you should get on your knees and beg god for forgiveness, or just read). However before I begin there’s just one thing I would like to explain. Whenever a new F1 journalist or magazine starts up we here about how the promise to be neutral. I would just like to go on record as saying that I am not. If you come up to me in the street and ask me who the best team was in Formula 1 I would reply Jordan (well no actually I would probably yell at you loudly and maybe even through in a few insults about your mother, depending on my mood).

The Build Up

The build up to the Australian Grand Prix is completely different to other races and yet exactly the same. All race build-ups start the race before. Oz is no different, its just a shame the race before is in October that’s all. So all through the winter we here constantly about how wonderful the race will be. Every little argument that goes on between the management and the workers is leaked for the whole world to hear. Melbourne has more leaks then Wales! I’m pleased to say that the race however was worth the wait.

The Wait

All those weeks of waiting. Paint the fence, spending time with the family, mowing the lawn, tidying the garden, building the model cars, sleeping off the Sunday lunch, painting the house, decorating, going to garden centres, watching the football, going down the park, going shopping and the phrase ‘a month of Sundays’ making you cower under the kitchen table. Yet now every thing is different, you can do what you really want to do, watch F1!

The Race

I was bitterly disappointed, Murray didn’t say "GO, GO, GO!". I’m thinking about complaining to ITV. Another thing, approximately 150,000 Australians (I apologise if this figure is wrong, and if you spotted that it was I have only one thing to say to you ‘get out more!’) went to the race imagine the amount of beer that was drunk.

The Australian Air Force put on an amazing display. A little known fact about the Oz air craft, they are about a foot longer then other planes. This is to make room for the fridge behind the pilot that keeps the beer cool. Another little known fact is that they have a device which fits onto the after burner at the back of the aircraft. This is so that it can double up as the worlds most expensive Bar-Be-Que.

People may ask me about how Jordan did with a sarcastic tone in there voice. Well why would we want to win a race of a national full of beer guzzling, kangaroo hunting, cork hat wearing, crocodile hunting, didgeridoo playing maniacs. Honestly they are a bunch of alcoholic weird instrument playing mad men. A bit like the Irish, so why would Jordan want to win the race – Ah.

Schumacher apparently made an off the cuff remark about being the most dangerous man in Oz. No he isn’t, Steve Owerwin is (the crocodile hunter). If you stand within fifty feet of him your life insurance is invalid.

I was shocked by Jenson Button. I didn’t expect him to do so well, even imitating such drivers as Lauda and Schumacher by starting at the back of the grid and getting into the points. Apparently he could have saved the engine but he was distracted by an ice cream van and he wanted a 99 with a Cadbury’s flake in it.

So Schumacher 1-3, a Ferrari 1-2, a BAR 4-6. Honestly some times I think there’s too many numbers in this sport.

Salo (technically a Ferrari driver) thrown out for faulty body work (hum day jar vow). Why am I thinking that it will be retracted.

The Interview

My being the clever little so and so that I am I managed to get an interview with no less the Jacques Villeneuve the ’97 World Champion, forth in the Australian GP and all round good egg.

Matt: Congratulations on scoring your first points for BAR Mr. Villeneuve.

  • JV: Actually my name is now Jacque Coca cola, Supertek, Reynard, IBM, Tesco Villeneuve.
  • Matt: What?

    JV: Yeah it’s part of the new sponsorship details.

    Matt: Anyway moving on. Hang on your initials are now JCSRITV?

    JV: Yeah cool hay?

    Matt: Do you need an extra long cheque book?

    JV: Not as big as the one used to pay my salary.

  • Matt: Listen Jcsritv I make the jokes around here, even though BAR is one big joke. Mind you most teams do worse in there second season, but after just one race BAR has already got more points then the end of last year. Hang on they have more points then Jordan, there is something very wrong with this.
  • JV: What can I say?

  • Matt: Well to start with you can tell me about what sort of things you’ve been up to here at Albert Park?
  • JV: Well, testing, qualifying, talking to sponsors and I went on the swings this morning.

    Matt: What?

  • JV: Well I wanted a go on the slide, but Mr. Reynard. Oh sorry Mr. IBM, Supertek, British American Tobacco Reynard wouldn’t let me.
  • Matt: You a fully-grown almost bald man went on the swings.

    JV: Yeah.

    Matt: No wonder your driving for BAR.


    All interviews and comments attributed to other parties may in fact be complete bollocks. The writer of this piece would just like to say to all parties who wish to make a comment on this, tuff!

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